Start Here: Go Beyond Prison Walls With Broken Is Beautiful

[00:00:00] Hello, this is a call from Chris, an incarcerated individual at Washington Corrections Center. This call is not private. It will be recorded and may be monitored. To accept this call, press one. No third party calls are allowed. You may start the conversation now. Hey everybody, this is Broken is Beautiful.

[00:00:21] I'm Katherin Hervey. And I'm Christopher Blackwell. Katherin and I met in prison and this podcast is our search for hope in dark corners. What do you remember about how we met? I had just started college in prison, you know, 'cause I dropped out at such a young age in school when I was on the streets.

[00:00:44] And I remember us in this political science class. And I remember thinking, I have this super rad ass teacher, she's from LA, she's really cool. Like you are a public defender and you know about all this stuff and you're like, I [00:01:00] don't wanna say radically on our side, but radically for the transformation that we need in our society and like, didn't have to sell you on nothing.

[00:01:09] So I remember that and I remember it being really dope. Probably too, I had some cool style, right? I don't think that we should forget that. You had some swag. There's no doubt about that. So what I remember, meeting you for the first time, is that you were just starting your journey into education. You'd just passed all those horrendous math, at least the math and English classes, that I would never be able to pass, in order to take college courses.

[00:01:47] Like to go, to have to relearn that and have to pass that again, honestly, I don't think I could do it. And I was there to teach you. So I remember you saying that and just being like: Wow, so much to go [00:02:00] through just to get to even the point where you can take college credit courses and really admiring that you'd gone through all of that.

[00:02:08] And then, also what really stands out to me is just you had this very sweet nature and at the time, which is very opposite from now, you were a little shy, you were a little hesitant because I think you were nervous moving into getting a college degree and it just must have been really intimidating.

[00:02:32] And you said to me: Well, I just want you to know I'm not a good writer and I'm not a good student. Which of course is so fantastical now because you got your college degree, you got primarily straight A's. And now you write for the New York Times and the Washington Post and the Huffington Post, and you're an award-winning writer.

[00:02:57] So the fact that the first day that I met [00:03:00] you, you were saying that you are not a good writer or student is just, it's freaking hilarious, man. It's funny because I still sometimes feel like I have imposter syndrome. So I constantly go back and forth like, oh, it's a fluke this is happening.

[00:03:18] Or do I really belong in this space? But then you have to sometimes just be reminded by the people around you that you should be confident, you should be comfortable. But I also think that that's like transitioning out of survival mode. And I feel like I lived my whole life there. So it was always these default settings to, you know, set expectations low.

[00:03:40] You know, I'm only here to survive this, like I'm not gonna prosper and things like that, so. It does feel good to hear that. What was the thing that like brought us into a space to where we felt so connected when we did meet each other? Well, I think it makes sense now because we [00:04:00] do similar work.

[00:04:01] You're a journalist, I'm a documentary filmmaker, but obviously, you know, our lives look very different. You're inside. I'm outside. But I think honestly that when we first connected, that we recognized a similar spirit in each other, that looks towards unity and hope and resilience. And that really we're all in this together.

[00:04:26] So let's all come together and I think we will share that. And that's really been the thread that's kept us together all along.

[00:04:36] Chris, I want people to know more about what our environments look like. So I'm recording here from the desert where I live and we're recording, so I have to turn the air conditioning off. So I think it's about a hundred degrees in here. I am perspiring a little bit, and yeah, I'm recording in my bedroom because it has nice [00:05:00] and fluffy things to make the sound sound better. And I have, um, yeah, all the things in here that help me feel good. There's lots of altars, lots of momentos. There's Massimo and I's marriage certificate. Yeah, there's a lot of sacred objects. We have a bird that we've taken in and we've named him Birdy Bird Bird. He ran into our window and we've been bringing him in to kind of nurture him, to help him find his wings, 'cause he can't fly, but he can hop around and everything. And when we used to talk about the podcast, your bird would always come to the window as well. That's super dope. I think that's incredible that you have this amazing little creature that, you know, needed to be loved and obviously like [00:06:00] was put in a way to where it couldn't move in the world as other birds do.

[00:06:05] And you know, now it's like in a home being loved and taken care of and absolutely, my bird still comes all the time. Chubbs is a super fat raven that everybody loves. He's actually followed me around the compound and they talk about like that facial recognition, and how smart ravens and crows are, so. For the second year in a row, he brought his babies to see me.

[00:06:29] It's like he knows these things are the things that I need for encouragement and to know that, you know, we're loved through nature and things like that. Because I think those things are important. And I also found it really dope that you have, you know, these alters and these beautiful things of like the important things in your life, because that's something that me and Chelsea do.

[00:06:50] Chelsea is my incredible partner. So the second you said that, it brought me to the pictures that Chelsea always sends me of our altar in our [00:07:00] house. You know, something I've never got to see, right? Because I'm incarcerated. But just knowing that she has that and our friends always talk about it, and I just think they're real beautiful ways to like display not only our love with the world, but the people that we bring into the comfort of our homes.

[00:07:15] And unlike you, my home is very different. I'm sitting in prison, so it's a much different experience. Although I am in a prison that isn't completely horrible, right? I have a window and a view. I'm watching all these little birds I feed scurry around out here right now going crazy because they're so used to getting spoiled.

[00:07:35] And I'm staring out at the trees, right, and in a much different environment than you also, because I'm in the Great Northwest and it's raining right now, and there's these big lush evergreens, you know, when you look past the fences that are covered in endless amounts of razor wire and things like that. You have this beautiful forest and just this light mist with a gray sky. There's beauty in this like [00:08:00] broken, uncomfortable space, which, it's kind of nice that you can find that, 'cause sometimes you don't have that. That makes me think about people who are in other environments that are incarcerated, who are sitting in solitary in bright isolated cells. That the light never turns off and they're cold, or they're hot or depending on the weather, and they're just sitting there staring at a wall with their own thoughts, you know, and mentally trying to survive that.

[00:08:26] My environment while it's not ideal because I wanna be home, but you gotta find the blessings and things to remove yourself from the despair of the situation.

[00:08:38] I've always found it really interesting, Chris, the way that you and other people that I've known who are in prison connect to nature and specifically connecting to animals. Like even to bugs and to spiders with a lot of reverence it [00:09:00] seems, right? It can't help but warm your heart. Because often, especially being incarcerated, you're constantly judged.

[00:09:07] You're constantly categorized and put into boxes, and things like that. So when you see a living creature that's such a beautiful creation that has nothing, they have no judgment. You know, they don't know what you've done. They don't know what you've grown from. They don't know any of that. All they know is you're gonna do something cool for 'em and they're just there to like entertain you and love you and give you something that often people incarcerated, they really lack experiencing what that feels like to be, you know, looked at as a person that can be loved.

[00:09:42] I love that we both have birds in our life right now. Yours that can fly and mine can't. Mine that needs nurturing so it can fly again. Or maybe he never will. And he'll just hang around. I know, right? We'll see. We'll see what [00:10:00] happens. So let's talk about podcasts. So this podcast is not gonna be easy to make, right?

[00:10:07] You have limited phone calls and prison isn't quiet. Yeah, it's definitely gonna be crazy. It's definitely gonna be a learning experience for people, right? Because listeners are gonna have to hear things where they're a little bit more distorted on my end. There's gonna be a little bit more noise, things are just gonna be different, but that's authentic, that's raw, and that's what we wanna give 'em.

[00:10:29] Yeah, definitely listeners are gonna get to know us pretty intimately through these conversations as we keep opening up and bringing on more people.

[00:10:41] Chris, what are some of the big things in your life that have shaped your way of thinking about the world? Man, I think the biggest is understanding my own trauma. For, even people in the free world, to like really become the person you are and really [00:11:00] ties into who you are. Gotta understand your trauma, man, you gotta be able to work through things. And we all got trauma.

[00:11:07] Doesn't matter if you're rich, poor, doesn't matter where you come from. We all got traumas and they're all different. And I think once we understand those, that's when we really come into who we are. And that's when we can really be who we are. That's what's been the beautiful thing for me is like learning and accepting my trauma has let me be accountable and remorseful for the harm I've caused because now I understand what harm and that experience feels like to a point, right?

[00:11:37] It's different for everybody, but it helps me understand, and that helps to allow me to be who I am today. Yeah, I love that. I feel like I truly was not able to be myself until I really started diving into the dark stuff, like the stuff inside me that is dark and painful, traumatic [00:12:00] events. And really not being a victim anymore.

[00:12:04] Right? I think, whether you are in prison or not, that so many of us have been traumatized and we have been thrown under the bus and we have gone through so many experiences in life that make us small, that quiet our voice, and that can make us feel like victims. I feel like there was a point with me where I just refused to do that anymore.

[00:12:29] I refused to blame others. I refused to be a victim, and I kind of really made myself take accountability for every thought, every decision, every situation of my entire life up to now and then still today. And I feel like that's really made me so much comfortable in who I am. We gotta take time to heal and learn and build and grow and all these [00:13:00] things about ourselves.

[00:13:00] And once we start to do that, we rewrite these parts, right? Yes. Which is why our podcast is called Broken is Beautiful. After we think about all this and like we're talking about this process, what I wanna lead to and go into is what are you excited to talk about for this season of the podcast, Katherin? I'm excited to learn from people.

[00:13:21] I feel like we're gonna be bringing people on who have just made these extraordinary transformations with themselves, either inwardly or outwardly or both, and I just find that so inspiring. I'm excited to see people's paths. I'm excited to learn a lot about it, and you know, I'm excited to just be a part of something that I'm not really supposed to have, right?

[00:13:44] I'm not supposed to be able to have a voice like this. I'm not supposed to be a person that's driving conversations around these things while in prison. We're supposed to be isolated behind these like towering walls and these endless feets of razor wire fences and just oppressed and [00:14:00] quiet.

[00:14:01] And removed from society, but we're not. We're a part of society and I'm excited to be a part of that. Let's bring people some hope, some resilience, some love, while also keeping it real. For real. So join us, be a part of that. Come in here and you know, get a dose of that love and that growth and come join me and Katherin for Broken is Beautiful.

[00:14:27] You have one minute left. You've been listening to Broken Is Beautiful, a fresh podcast from myself, Christopher Blackwell, and me, Katherin Hervey. Colby Davis is our engineer, and Laura Pellicer is our managing producer. Colby also created our theme music. This episode was partly recorded over a phone from a prison cell in Washington State.

[00:14:51] Want more Broken is Beautiful? Subscribe and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. It really helps to make this happen. [00:15:00] The caller has hung up. Goodbye.